help me to breathe

again.

still in debt

still in trouble

still unable to break free

this awful feeling down deep in the pit of my stomach, i hate it and i deserve it.

not sure why it means so much, why i am embarrassed so easily.

i said i wouldn't do this again.

sometimes i'm up, sometimes i'm down

right now it's the latter :D

i need some motivation inspiration

i wish i was the go-getter type of individual.

i do realize i can change, however.

quick update in here. i'm more than halfway out of my debt. only a bit more to go and i'm free. i want to be debt-free by december, completely cleared and start off a new year right. go back to school, live on my own, control my spending habits, and get glam. i need to keep pushing myself!

insomnia got better. better go to bed now though before i mess it all up for myself ^^

おはよう。
Good morning.
お疲れ様でした。練習は疲れたでした。
Otsukaresamadeshita. practice was tiring.

今は設計Cの設計を作ります。まだ終わってない。でも、今色々感情はある。頭はちょっといたい。（－＿－；）
Rightnow i'm working on Design C's design project. It's not finished yet.But, right now i have these mixed up feelings. my head hurts (-_-;)

昨日はなんでもないです。感情もはないかな。今日も嬉しいじゃない、悲しいじゃない。私の感情はありませんかな。
Yesterdaythere wasn't anything much. There weren't any feelings. Today also... Iwasn't Happy, nor sad. I didn't really feel much at all.

音楽を聞く時は感情はあまり来てない。
When I listened to music, no feelings came.

なぜが…
Why?

いつも私は言えて「私の生活は嬉しいの生活です。その感じは自分でと思います…」
I always say, "My life is about being happy. I will bring myself happiness..."

しかし、最近は嬉しいじゃなくて…感情がないだろう。それでいいですか？　
But, lately I haven't been happy... there arn't any feelings at all. Is that okay?

私は嬉しい感情をできますかな？何をすることができますかな？私はできますかな？　でも、多分私できるから嬉しい感情は来てない。それでどうしよう？
Isit possible to bring forth happy feelings? What can I do to to bringthem? Can I even do it? But, there might be a possibility that I won'tbe able to bring those happy feelings. And if that happens, what do Ido?

私が死ぬなら私は知っているかな…
If I died, would I know?
誰も知っているかな…
Would anyone know?
世界にいません誰が知っている…？
If i wasn't in this world would anyone know?

things that make me unhappy keep brining me down. i don't know how to let go or anything.

wow, i'm so tired of this place.

annoyed with myself. i dont know how to time-manage my life at all.

i'm also tired of how i complain to myself that i never do anything, never go out, but it's me myself that isn't capable or ambitious enough. i never venture on my own or really go sign up for anything to do it. i'll look up things to do and then not go or do it because of whatever reason -- i miss the sign up date or i dont think i should yet because of the cost and i have debt.

my debt.... i have less than 3 and a half months to straighten you for good.

back to never doing anything ... i feel like i dont have any friends when i have plenty, true blue ones too. when one wants to do something i'll turn them down or just end up not going out of tiredness or whatever. i don't know what's wrong with me. am i sick? is it my weak blood; tiredness from anemia? i did go to the doctor for it, but then never again went to follow up on the check up. i could have fixed this laxness within me but once again, i didn't pursue.

my life is like this one big half-hearted adventure. not even. it's like a boring rpg i wallow through, because there's nothing better to do. even now, i should be taking a shower, getting dressed, getting ready, but i'm here writing out instead. my cousin is coming to pick me up and we'll go out for dinner, but i dont feel like it even. i'm tired and all i want to do is nothing.

i didn't even go to the post office and mail anything. i can't accomplish anything anymore. i can't even rememeber when i DID accomplish things.


unhappiness. i don't know how to fix it, or cure it. i think i need love. or something to spark the fire underneath me.

i'm wondering if i list some bad memories here, i'll stop thinking about them and let them go. it's maybe worth a shot? i notice writing in lj gets a lot of things off my chest and when i cease writing in it i grow more and more like a human bottle of growing emotions that could explode at any moment.